Who Am I Really
by HellFenix
Summary: Johnny fic!Yaoi in later chapters? Read to see!! First chapter a little dry though...


HellFenix: lemme explain. Free time+four days of no com+sugar highs= some very odd fics. capish? Haha, well, I've been wanting to writ this for awhile and all so enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: own Beyblade? What a stupid question. of course I don't!  
  
~ WHO AM I REALLY ~  
  
Well, here I am. Standing waist deep in freezing salt water in the middle of a thunderstorm. Trying my luck in defying the elements, a pretty stupid thing to do.  
  
Maybe if I'm lucky I'll get hit by a bolt of lightning and be fried into a million little atoms.  
  
This is really dumb, if the other Majestics could only see me now. The great Gladiator of Glasgow standing for all the world like a drowned rat looking sorry for himself.  
  
And it's all because of one lousy, stupid comment by Oliver in his usual naïve, unthinking way.  
  
We had been discussing our various opponents and somehow someone had brought up how Kai must be putting on a front coz there's no way a guy can be a moody as he is naturally. Then Oliver said it.  
  
" But Kai's a lot like Johnny, no?"  
  
He meant in way of temper of course, Oliver would never have the brains to see past the most obvious of things, but this time by pure damned luck he hit the nail on the head.  
  
You may never guess it; I know I sure didn't until Oliver said it.  
  
I'm two-faced, not in a treacherous way except to myself.  
  
I act cold and impulsive, a sarcastic know it all. Yet even though that's how I've been for a better part of my adolescence, I can't help but feel it's not who I really am, or rather not all of who I am, who I was and who I can be.  
  
My question to the howling winds and to the raging sea is this: where did it all go wrong?  
  
Where did the child I used to be begin to hide behind the mask?  
  
Where did I start to fear that everyone, even my closest friends, would hate the real, un-inhibited me; and so I donned a mask, carefully calculated everything to create an image of consistency. I put up a façade for the world to see.  
  
They offer no answer and a terrible feeling of loneliness envelops me. Nobody knew the real me, not even me. I had lived a lie for so long that the truth was but a distant memory, something I couldn't touch or turn into a reality.  
  
[Normal POV]  
  
The water swirled strongly around the boy, threatening to pull him out to the wide blue yonder.  
  
Rain beat down like tiny hailstones, stinging and slapping against the slate colored sea, which was in as much turmoil as the boy who stood defying it.  
  
Yet below the surface, deep in the ocean depths, the sea was calm.  
  
But the boy's thought were far from placid, even at the core of his soul. A fire flickers in a gale.  
  
Ordinarily Johnny would have resisted, he may have been depressed but never suicidal.  
  
But this time he didn't even notice, so wrapped in the inner turmoil of establishing his identity in the rat race of life was he.  
  
[Johnny's POV]  
  
Why do I feel so upset anyway? I mean, surely I've known all the while that this was happening to me? That I was slowly losing sight of myself.  
  
But the stupid thing is that I made the decision to be who I am without even realizing it.  
  
Every time I bit back an honest opinion and replaced it with a biting comment, every time I brushed aside the chance to get to know someone better and stayed aloof, I made and renewed my decision to be the arrogant bastard I am today.  
  
[Normal POV]  
  
The rising tide was roaring now, it pulled with increasing intensity at the lone figure, which was un-knowingly surrendering itself to its fury.  
  
The wind howled, with anticipation or a warning?  
  
A huge wave rose like a medieval beast from the sea, unleashing its savage destructive power on the choppy surface next to the soul-searching redhead. It was definitely a warning, one, which should not have been ignored, and yet it was.  
  
[Johnny's POV]  
  
I thought I was molding my own character the whole time, and in the end it turns out that I was fooling myself the whole time.  
  
And I can't help but be angry; angry at Robert for not telling me as I changed that I was becoming another Johnny; angry at Enrique for being so confident and full of himself while I'm forever second guessing myself; angry at Oliver for being able to retain his childishly rosy view of the world; and most of all angry at myself for allowing myself to become like this, to isolate myself, to live a lie.  
  
They say that everyone is unique and nobody can take away your identity, well, someone can-yourself. I've destroyed my identity and now I'm lost without a clue as to what I should do and why I even exist.  
  
Maybe, just maybe it would be better to end it all. . .  
  
[Normal POV]  
  
As though at the end of its tether, the sea reared yet another wave above the boy who pitted his own unrest against it- a poor comparison in strength indeed.  
  
Johnny snapped out of his reverie just in time to hear the roar of inevitability pounding in his ears and to see the sea open its gateway t the lands of blissful oblivion.  
  
And the wind and rain still came in their furious onslaught, as if seeking retribution in order to be appeased . . .  
  
/Who am I? Why do I care?  
  
We're all seeking something in this world.  
  
How long will this pain I have to bear? /  
  
/Who am I? The question haunts my dreams.  
  
Life's a damn rat race.  
  
There are no answers it seems. /  
  
/Just wanna end it. Stop the pain I feel.  
  
Who am I?  
  
Who am I?  
  
On the alter of death I kneel. /  
  
~END~  
  
Fenix: well, will this be one shot? Or not? Maybe not. yaoi in later chapters perhaps? I'll have to think about it. of course suggestions will be considered and appreciated.  
  
Kai: oh really?  
  
Fenix: what the hell are you doing here?!  
  
Tyson: we dragged him over! ^_^  
  
Fenix: and there I was thinking this could be a quiet little chappie on my own. haiz.  
  
  
  
  
  
Common, press the little button down there and make my day. 


End file.
